Broken Frontier

A couple weeks ago my fiancée finally caught on that I was dominating the NetFlix queue. The strain of having to sit through too many foreign films and obscure science fiction flicks finally had finally taken its toll. I gave in to her protests and told her she could put whatever movies she wanted to see straight to the top of the queue. Little did I know the non-stop barrage of girlie movies that would be assaulting my mailbox on a weekly basis. Friday night we watched Failure to Launch, staring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey…

That’s 97 minutes of my life I’ll never have back.

Romantic comedies have been a thorn in the side of moviegoers everywhere for years now. Okay, for men more so than for women. It's not that I don't like the genre of romantic comedies. I'm a hopeless romantic myself, and of course I enjoy a funny movie as much as the next guy. My problem with romantic comedies is they have two or three plots and they use them over and over until you've predicted the entire film within the first five minutes.

Today, most romantic comedies are trite and mindless cinematic abortions about as entertaining as getting your testicles slammed in a car door.

Perfect example: some sort of wager is made for one person to make another fall in love with them. They struggle to get the person to actually fall in love with them in hopes of winning the bet and what do you know, they accidentally fall in love with the mark too! But before long the target finds out the truth and breaks it off, feeling dejected and lied to. But that won't stop the couple from getting back together in the end and living happily ever after, though not before a scene like this, "When Billy-Bob paid me to take you to the prom and bet me I couldn't get you pregnant I did it for the money. But I had no idea that I'd actually fall in love with you! I gave the money back to Billy-Bob and now I want us to raise this baby together!"

Throw in a silly comic relief friend on the guy’s side to lighten the mood. Then give the girl a friend she can confide in when things go sour (it can be a girl or a gay guy). And there you have it. Snore!

How about this for an ending: The target finds out he or she's been played for a fool and been lied to since the beginning of the film and kills themselves, after realizing there's no such thing as true love and everyone lies to you in the end. Now, of course that's not what I think, but it sure would make for good entertainment!

The object of the romantic comedy is typically to win over the male viewers. Women will go see it regardless, but if it was just a romance, you’d have a hard time getting guys to go see it. Casablanca would have been a bigger hit if it had one or two crotch shots. The lead man should be handsome and funny. The leading lady should be pretty, but not slutty. Women should want to be the leading lady; men should want to date her. And men should not feel inferior to the leading man, but still be impressed with his prowess with the ladies.

But not all romantic comedies are bad. There’s the occasional romantic comedy that doesn’t make my brain hurt. Serendipity is one. If you want to see a romantic comedy I would actually label as “good”, I recommend Playing By Heart. It’s the pulp fiction of romantic comedies with a huge cast of awesome actors, including Sean Connery and Jon Stewart. So yes, there are a couple diamonds in the rough. But it would be fair to say the vast majority are unwatchable.

The sad truth is that most romantic comedies are more far-fetched than your average science fiction film. I think it’s much more likely that the Earth will be invaded by aliens than two of the most annoying people in the world happening to find each other and fall in love.

So, what’s a man to do? As long as there are vaginas there will be romantic comedies. And as long as there are romantic comedies, we guys will be forced to endure them. But let’s be fair. Most women, my fiancée included, will sit through tons of garbage we love in exchange for a silly ‘chick flick’. So it’s a fair exchange, you give a little, and you take a little. All’s fair in love and bore.