Broken Frontier

It’s the holiday season once again and if you’re like me, you want to limit the amount of crap you receive.  You know what I’m talking about… the stuff people buy you just because it’s on a display near the register.  The stuff you will never use, would never want, or could ever even imagine yourself owning!

I’m referring to the “gifts for men” that the big department stores peddle to confused buyers.  There’s the ever abundant supply of golf related swag, which would probably be fine for someone who actually plays golf, but I have only played the game once in my entire life and I hit an old man in the head with my ball off of the drive because I failed to yell “FORE.”  Needless to say, I don’t need exploding tees under my Christmas Tree this December 25th.

There’s always the mass produced Texas Hold-Em junk if that’s more your thing, and while I do enjoy sitting around a table with some friends drinking beer and playing cards from time to time, I don’t need personalized clay chips with my face stamped on them.  The way I see it, when I say “I’m all in,” I don’t need my smiling mug staring up at the rest of the players at the table as an extra “sucks to be you.”

If you drink the devil’s juice, you may even get your very own alcohol related present this year, whether you like it or not.  Yes, I enjoy a mixed beverage from time to time, but I’m pretty sure… call me crazy… that it’s not necessary to pour said beverage from a gas pump liquor dispenser.  I don’t even like pumping gas into my car, never mind into my mouth!

I don’t need a humidor (Don’t smoke!), a fogless shower mirror (Wiping my current mirror with a towel works just fine!), a tie rack (I write comic books for crying out loud!), a digital picture key chain (Are you f’n kidding me?), or a solar powered flashlight with AM/FM radio (If the power goes out, my battery operated flashlight will get the job done, as will the CANDLES!).

It’s not that I’m being a selfish, spoiled gift receiver, it’s just that I have a hard time understanding why it’s so difficult to shop for someone who makes it very clear as to what he’s into.  Comic books, Red Sox and TV make my world go round, yet I can count on one hand how many times I’ve received a gift that would be considered comic, baseball or television related.

DVD of Sarah Michelle Gellar kicking butt as Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Now we’re talking!  Burl Wood Deluxe Pen Case?  WHY ON EARTH WOULD I NEED A PEN CASE WHEN I WRITE ON A COMPUTER?

Jersey of Bo Sox third baseman Mike Lowell?  I shall wear it proudly!  Swissco Black Accent 5-piece Shaving Set?  Last I checked, I always have a face filled of scruff, so unless you think I actually don’t own a razor, I’m pretty sure I don’t need a whole frickin’ set to turn my bathroom into an old-timey barber shop!

Is it so hard to buy for someone based on their likes?  I mean, I’m no professional shopper, but I sincerely try to purchase gifts for people based on what they would ACTUALLY want.  Isn’t that the whole point… putting thought into something and making it more about the way you feel for the person as opposed to the present itself?  Maybe I’m coming at this from a different mindset, but I’d rather have nothing at all and just be with the people I love on the holidays than actually have them waste money on things that I would never use.

I’m proposing that on this holiday season, we all step back and THINK before we buy.  In doing that, we’ll not only have a happy gift giving season, but we’ll also keep corporate gadget gurus from producing things like the As Seen on TV Personal Sound Amplifier.

Oh… and to my fiancé… if you have already purchased any of these things for me… I swear I’ll love them!

Happy Holidays!