Broken Frontier

Here in Atlanta I work in the buying office of a nationwide wholesale company. As a result we result a ton of products before they become available in stores. I recently acquired a box of the new Indiana Jones cereal. It’s basically Coco Puffs with little marshmallow skulls. This got my mind going and I began to think back on all the other successful properties that have released cereals. Most of them are similar to cereals already on the market just slightly tweaked, others are completely new concoctions. What the all have in common is they are never good for you and they never seem to last very long. There are far too many to name in one column, but I’ll talk about some of my old favorites.

We’ll start with the cereal I’m guessing I did back flips for as a kid; C-3PO’s. This cereal featured, "Twin rings fused together for two crunches in every double O!" The sad truth is that I’ll buy almost anything Star Wars related and cereals are no exception. I’d be lying if I said I have any recollection of what this cereal actually tasted like, but I’m guessing it wasn’t very good.

I know for a fact my parents were suckered into buying me the E.T. cereal when it came out, but once again, I can’t remember what it tasted like. I want to say it was peanut butter flavored, but maybe I’m just mixing it up with Reese’s Pieces in my mind. I wonder if I can find Spielberg’s number somewhere on the internet to confirm it for me.

One cereal I can actually remember eating as a kid was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal. I was a big TMNT junkie, so of course coercing my parents to buy me this sugary breakfast treat was a must. The cereal was basically Chex (or "ninja nets!") with marshmallows. Just what every growing kid needs! I would sit at the table and quote the cartoons and the movies and hope that I one day would become a ninja (turtle or otherwise).

The exception to the longevity rule when it comes to cereals based on successful properties is of course Flintstone’s Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles. I think today’s kids have no idea who Fred Flintstone is other than a cereal mascot. The Pebbles cereals were released well after the successful Hanna-Barbera show went off the air. Despite the fact it makes my lips greasy like I’ve been ruby lard on them, Fruit Pebbles is one of my favorite cereals.

While I was searching for images for this column I was reminded of another pop culture driven cereal I ate as a kid: the Nintendo Cereal System. This artery clogging breakfast consisted of two different kinds of cereal. Each box had two bags; one was Super Mario Bros. and the other was Zelda. I remember favoring the Mario cereal as a kid not because it was better, but because I always hated the Zelda games (don’t worry, I grew out of it).

It’s easy to dupe kids into buying things. I threw many tantrums in my time, and a good portion of them probably took place in the cereal aisle of my local grocery store. Like today’s youth, I was simple: I like cartoons and I like sugar. Put the two together and you can’t go wrong. Put a decent prize in the box or maybe a inexpensive mail-away offer and it’s like a license to print money. I can’t help but smile in the cereal aisle now as I glance at the cereals based on Pirates of the Caribbean and Spider-Man. Nothing has changed. If there’s something out there for kids there’s bound to be a cereal based on it. I look back fondly on the days of cut out masks and wall walker octopuses and when I couldn’t care less about the nutritional facts. Being an adult is hard, and giving up the cereals I loved was a great sacrifice. I’ll leave you to reminisce on your Smurfberry Crunch, your Cabbage Patch Kids cereal, your Aliens VS. Predator Berry Bites (okay, I made that one up). Now please pardon me as I cry into my bowl of sugar free Special K.