Broken Frontier

Like many moviegoers around the world, J.P. saw Spider-Man 3 on opening night. Unfortunately he was disappointed when the lights turned on again. Read his spoiler free take on the film.

The theater dimmed and everyone went silent in anticipation. That flashy Marvel logo I’ve come to know and love appeared on my screen and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

“This is it,” I thought. “I’m finally getting to see it.”

I have this same thought at the beginning of every big movie I’ve been looking forward to. That even if I should die halfway through the film at least I know I witnessed some of its greatness (I cannot begin to explain the existential experience I had during Revenge of the Sith). And then the movie began.

But what followed wasn’t what I expected. The first two Spider-Man films were amazing. The first one got a little bogged down with the ‘coming-of-age’ aspect, but apart from that it was a strong movie. Spider-Man 2 was nearly flawless. A perfect amalgamation of excellent writing and directing. Spider-Man 3 was none of those things. Spider-Man 3 was a ham-fisted attempt at a comic book movie. It was for me, the biggest disappointment in years. 2 hours and 20 minutes of heartbreak and shame.

Spider-Man 3 was a big budget C movie. Imagine if some small company like Lion’s Gate was given the money to try to make a blockbuster. Did they even try? Or do Marvel and Sony realize the film could be 2 hours of them showing the Spider-Man logo on the screen and it would still shatter box office records.

The number one problem with the film: too many villains! What were they thinking?! Hadn’t they learned anything from the Batman movies? The movie would have been infinitely better if Sandman never appeared in it. Most of the parts with Sandman seemed like they went back and added them in afterwards. If the film focused only on the ongoing battle between Peter and Harry and Venom showed up halfway through it would have been a much stronger film.

And James Franco is a talented actor, but if I have to see that big goofy, methamphetamine induced grin one more time I’m going to find and defenestrate him.

When I started thinking about other Marvel movies it occurred to me that X-Men 3 wasn’t as good as its predecessors either; once again the second film being the best in the trilogy. So if this theory holds true, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and the new Hulk movie are going to be great. But if they try to make third films they’ll probably be pretty lousy.

Spider-Man 3 had a couple redeeming qualities. The action was pretty good and the special effects are top notch. It was just the writing that struck me as boring. They tried to fit too much story into one film. And the parts that were typical Sam Raimi, with Peter dancing around, were a bit over the top. Raimi is usually over the top, but this was just a bit too much.

As the lights came on in the theater, my fiancée and my two friends Doug and Monica all looked at me. Everyone knew how excited I was about the movie, and everyone could feel the sense of disappointment in the air. Monica said, “I’m so sorry J.P.” like my new puppy had just been run over by a truck. I was in a sour mood for the rest of the night.

But I’ll watch it again. Of course I’ll buy the DVD. Who knows, maybe I’ll like it more the second time around. Maybe the conditions in the theater weren’t just right. Maybe it was me and not the movie. But for right now, I’m a little bit bummed.