Broken Frontier

This past weekend The Dark Knight stepped down as number one at the box office, after four weekends at the top. Before leaving the spotlight the film took second place in all-time ticket sales, earning an impressive $466.4 million. I have been fortunate enough to see the film twice in the theater. It’s a damn good movie, superhero or otherwise. However it’s hardly the be all and end all of comic films like some have suggested. In fact, there are a couple elements of the film that really kept it from being believable, and therefore tarnishing its chance to be flawless. Here are some of the issues that, in my humble opinion, kept the film from being the perfect comic film.

No Bat-nipples Joel Schumacher was really on to something when he instructed costume designers to include nipples on Batman’s suit in Batman Forever. Not only does having nipples on his suit give him the impression of being a shirtless Greek Olympian, but they also get the gay male community interested in the film. They also make the audience feel the real danger of a potentially crippling Purple Nurple.

Nudity This one really doesn’t need any explanation.

Not enough corny one-liners Like In Batman & Robin when Mr. Freeze points his freeze gun at the crowd and says, "Everybody freeze!" You want something campy and fun for the little kids to say when they’re jumping off the garage and into the neighbor’s bushes.

The skank behind us in the theater who wouldn’t shut up during the climax Really. Can you please just shut up and wait until the movie is over?

He never says, "I’m the goddamn Batman" How could they have left out this charming phrase?! Frank Miller has Batman saying that all the time in All Star Batman and Frank Miller is huge right now. This would have been a great way to associate themselves with the living legend. Besides, Batman going around saying "goddamn this" and "goddamn that" is just plain funny!

The Joker, but no Harley Quinn?! WTF? The only eye candy the film makers gave us was Maggie Gyllenhaal, and I can’t look at her without thinking of Jake, and when you’re looking at girl the last thing that should come to mind is a dude. So why not throw Harley in there? She could be squeezed into her cute little clown outfit and bounce around doing the Joker’s bidding. Perhaps this can play into my no nudity complain too!

Sirius Black didn’t do any magic Come on guys. He could have stopped the Joker all by himself!

Soundtrack was too artsy What were you aiming for here gang, There Will Be Blood 2? Let’s keep it simple here. Grab whatever mainstream pop star is big right now and have them bang out some mindless tune about how much high school sucks or learning how to skate board and call it a day. We don’t need to feel like we’re watching the THX opener on a loop. Take an artist from all the popular genres right now, add in an indie band or two, emulsify it and watch the money pile up.

Not enough Bat-gadgets What’s that utility belt for, Mentos? Every single action he makes should be to use some crazy piece of technology hundreds of years ahead of what we have available to us now. Like a Bat-Laser Beard Trimmer, or Bat-Boxer Briefs with a carbon filter to diffuse stinky farts after a big Mexican lunch (then you can cross market them and sell them at Sharper Image).

Boo on you Warner Bros. I condemn your attempt to put out a less than perfect film and expect fans to pay our hard earned dollars to see it. We demand they make this film the shining example of superhero cinema it’s destined to be! It’s not too late to make a few minor adjustments and slip them into the DVD. Unlike those who have only seen The Dark Knight once, I like to think I’m a bit of an authority on the film; having seen it twice.