Broken Frontier

I recently decided that the world needed it’s own real life super team to help bring about peace, whether it’s in the streets of our own cities, or in foreign countries besieged by war and unnecessary bloodshed.  If you watch the news on a daily basis like I do, it’s pretty clear to see that we’re not living in a utopian society, but unlike the comic books I grew up reading, the Avengers (led by the patriotic Captain America) or Justice League (led by moral compass Superman) aren’t here to swoop in and make things better.  After all… they’re just works of fiction.

So who then will help clean up our world?  Sure the police and local governments do the best they can do, but who can possibly make a genuine impact on society and bring about change?

I’ll tell you who… Team Total Violence… that’s who.  (Also known as Team TV!)

In my ongoing attempt at making love reign supreme, I’ve decided to bring together my own group of modern day, REAL LIFE super heroes, each of whom has been uniquely chosen for not only their skills, but their position on good versus evil.  Together we will scour the globe, spreading our message of peace.  And for those who refuse to listen… well, then we’re gonna have to kick your ass!

Here’s how the team breaks down.

James Dalton:  Sure he’s a pretty boy, but what he lacks in grizzled looks he makes up for in sheer shit kicking ability.  With a mullet that would make Jon Bon Jovi himself cream in his acid-washed pants, Dalton also comes in handy should we ever venture into a seedy bar in the middle or rural Missouri.  Rumored to be one hell of a dancer as well, this guy is my one true triple threat, and because he’s such a good team leader, I’ve gone ahead and named him my lieutenant.

Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed:  Every good team needs a dysfunctional duo, and while this pair can bicker better than a couple of old women haggling over a coupon, they also pack the best one-two punch I have ever seen.  Built like a couple of brick shithouses with Tyson-style hooks, the self-proclaimed Italian Stallion and King of Sting could knock the Statue of Lady out of her loafers without break a sweat, and they’d do it with a smile.  When going into battle, they are my entire frontline, but just don’t go asking them a question.  One can barely pronounce single syllable words and the other will talk circles around you until you forget what you even asked in the first place.  Good fighters… bad chat buddies.

John McClane:  A loose cannon in every sense of the word, McClane is the kind of guy who doesn’t think twice before unloading an entire clip into a Slovak terrorist while dropping a series of F bombs with each finger pull of the trigger.  Never one to shy away from putting his own body in harms way for a good cause, my yippee-ki-yaying urban soldier is a retired New York City police officer, which means he can also call in a few favors should the team ever find itself in a tight spot. 

Douglas “Doogie” Howser, M.D.:  Although Dr. Howser is a little on the younger side, this highly skilled physician was my first choice for the role of team medic.  The true definition of genius, our resident “Doc” is also cool and collected in stressful situations, making him the perfect prepubescent surgeon to patch up a war wound on a smoky battlefield.

Sgt. Bosco “B.A.” Baracus:  A former member of the United States Army Special Forces division, B.A. (which stands for Bad Attitude) was wrongly convicted of a crime only to escape conviction.  A highly skilled mechanic with a knack for fashion, he remained on the run for years until I recruited him into the TV fold.  Loyal and a master of hand-to-hand combat, he’s proven himself to be an invaluable addition to the team.

Joanna Polniaczek:  The only woman on the team, little is known about Polniaczek other than the fact that she spent most of her adolescent years living at an all-girls boarding school in Peekskill, New York.  A masterful driver, particularly in the case of motorcycles, the team member we all call Jo is the glue that holds the entire operation together.

TEAM TV… ASSEMBLE!