Broken Frontier

I finished watching "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End", and even though it lasted a bloody dog’s year, I wanted more. It wasn’t a great movie, and it certainly didn’t satisfy my completist nature, but I just wanted...well, more. More Davy Jones, more Barbosa, more sea-monsters, more Keira in the Fu Manchu costume, and definitely--definitely--more Sparrow, love.

This movie, no, this franchise, had so much potential. I mean, you’re a pirate of the seven freakin’ seas! Gimme me more monsters, gimme more action. Give me more lamb shanks and wooden legs. I want pirate blood spilling on wooden decks. I want people walking the planks, for the love of Blackbeard’s spit-stained...beard. Hell, Dreamworks’ Sinbad: Legend of the Seas (that I made my wife watch) had more action and baddies than Pirates, for God’s sake. But, I digress.

So, I started thinking: I wonder what a comic spin-off of this would look like? Who would write it? Who’d do pencil duty? How many issues? Who would publish it?

It’s a little game I do every now and then with movies, video games, and prose--if I don’t like how it turned out, or if I wasn’t intellectually stimulated, I wonder how it be if a) I wrote it as a comic or b) if someone else wrote it as a comic. Now, as a side note, if it’s a comic I hate, then I just don’t bother. It goes to Goodwill or Half-Priced Books. Now, where was I? Oh, yes--so, what team would be behind the Pirates’ franchise?

The publisher would have to be Aspen Comics. Think about it—that type of stuff is their bread and butter. Visually appealing, witty, sometimes campy dialogue, and a healthy dose of stage presence. Art chores would obviously fall on Michael Turner for covers and the talented Jeffery "Chamba" Cruz (who will actually be handling the art on soon-to-be-released Sinbad: Rogue of Mars).

Now, you need someone who’s not afraid of monsters and action to write the script. Someone widescreen. My first jump would be to Mark Millar, who brought the celluloid to us panel-by-panel in his Ultimates and Authority run. But that just doesn’t fit right, does it? No, it doesn’t.

What about Jeff Loeb? I mean, his writing is a bit "reader-friendly" and easy to digest; and he still maintains the silver-screen effect in his writing. I honestly think he’d be the man for the job. And let’s not forget lettering and coloring—two of the most arguably important aspects of any comic. What do ya’ll think of lettering virtuoso Chris Eliopoulos and CMYK Color Cod Alex Sinclair dancing with those responsibilities? Pretty saucy, huh? Yeah, I knew you’d like it.

All of this in nice little four issue increments would be just what the doctor ordered, I think. One arc can be about Jack and his father finding the Fountain of Youth. Another one could be Elizabeth Swann’s rule as the Grand Pirate Whatever-the-Hell-She-Is-Now. But seriously, monsters, mythologies, old tales, etc. Make it so.

Now, who would read it? Well, everyone who watched the movies and liked them, that’s who. Would they sell well? Is a pig’s ass pork? Of course they would. You throw a couple of web ads at all the favorite comic sites, and you’re golden. It’s Disney--they’re MADE of money.

I want to see Blackbeard, Long John Silver, and Keith Richards all duking it out whilst drunk on mead, with their arms wrapped around sweaty wenches. I want to see bar fights, explosions, and cutlasses. I guess this here’s how I’d write the opening page:

PAGE ONE – 3 panels

Panel 1: Int. We’re in a bar in Tortuga. Front shot of Jack Sparrow face-down-drunk on a bar table, drooling. However, he’s still somewhat lucid. His three-cornered hat is off, and the monkey from the series is on top of his head is curiously searching for lice. In the background we see locals, wenches, and the rest of the sort that’d be found at this type of shithole.

SPARROW (small): YO-HO-HOOOOOOOOO-HO...HIC*

SPARROW (small): ERRRMM...AND A SHIPFULL OF RUM

Panel 2: Small, quick shot of the monkey looking right at us. His eyes are saucer-wide like he just noticed something. There might be a hint of fear in his eyes...if monkeys can show fear in their eyes, that is.

MONKEY: MER?

Panel 3: Pull out for largest panel of the page, as we see the monkey get BLOWN OFF of Jack’s head due to an explosive gunshot.

SOUNDFX: BOOOMM!

~The End~