Broken Frontier

Mongol General: Hao! Dai yei! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, wind in your hair.
Mongol General: Wrong!! Conan?! What is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.
Mongol General: That is good! That is good.

[General consensus and agreeable grunts from filthy Mongol tribesmen]

Good God. If those lines don’t grab your inner soul, and throw meat hooks into your attention span, I don’t know what will. I was flipping through the channels the other day, and I came across arguably one of the best novel-to comic-to movie-to comic adaptations ever-ever made: Conan the Barbarian.

I first watched this movie when I was nine or ten-years-old. That’s right, a ten-year-old watching a movie littered with sex, gratuitous violence, more sex, and philosophical musings of an occult leader. And don’t forget the seventy foot snake. (Hey, what can I say, my parents are hippies.) I was, of course, fascinated. Have been ever since. Whenever--whenever--the movie comes on, I have to watch it. Everything must and will stop. I truly believe it was this movie (coupled with likes of Beast Master, Legend, etc.) that made me the fantasy junkie I am today.

Watching it when I was young, it was all about the action, the violence, and the flash of boob. Now, it’s about the writing, pacing, theme...and the flash of boob. But seriously, Oliver Freakin’ Stone helped write this bad boy. And you know what? It simply flows. Seriously--watch the movie again. Every line taken by itself holds weight, but when put together...well, there’s simply no other word for it—flows.

It’s one of those quotable movies that somehow gets thrown around when you and your friends are having some pints at the local pub. It’s just that movie. You can tell Stone was a huge Conan and Robert E. Howard fan. I believe on one of the DVD extras he mentions that he had plotted the whole mythos out, so that Arnold Schwarzenegger would reprise the role of the famous Cimmerian in future installments, much like Connery did with 007, or Harrison Ford with Indiana Jones. But we all know how Conan the Destroyer panned out...

Conan the Barbarian was brilliant in its simplicity. Think about it: man kills boy’s father, boy becomes man, man kills his father’s killer. "Revenge" was the key theme, and a path of blood and wenches was the only way to reach the end. Simple, right? Now, as we all know, Conan had three companions in the movie: Subotai, Valeria, and The Wizard. None of them were superfluous, and none of them played the role of "silly sidekick". They could all slice up your shit, and look cool while doing it. Subotai with his bow and arrow, and his bowl haircut; the Wizard with his magickal antics and rad narrative skills; and Valeria with her untrusting nature, and slick moves.

All of them added to the mythos, and all of them were necessary to further Conan’s character. You see, that’s where movies like Willow faltered, and fell on their face, charming as they were. Willow has two little pixies who were the comedy relief. The only laughter in Conan was Crom’s, seated on his throne in the mountain.

Thulsa Doom: Infidel Defilers. They shall all drown in lakes of blood.

Now, if you’ve been reading my other poetic articles, you know I love a good villain. It really doesn’t get any better than James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom. C’mon, the guy’s VOICE resonates with total control, total domination. If there ever was a true Thulsa Doom, he looked a lot like James Earl Jones. And man, did he know how to throw a good party. That orgy scene where they’re eating man-soup and coming down from their opium-induced highs was, in a word, money.

I love the action scenes. The music, when combined with Schwarzenegger’s fighting poses, was perfect. His tussles in the ring as a slave, and his climatic battle against Thulsa’s thugs, are some the most engrossing fight sequences I’ve seen. And when he goes ape shit in the orgy hall? Wow...just wow. Who didn’t love it when he poured the hot man-soup on all the perverts? Very, very cool.

Now, when I was watching the movie, it was with my wife and my fourteen-year-old sister-in-law, who dearly wanted to follow her older sister’s opinion in thinking the movie was stupid. No such luck; she’s a fantasy dork just like me, and she couldn’t take her eyes off the flick. So. There’s your proof: Conan the Barbarian appeals to teenage girls. Alright Wizard, take it away:

The Wizard: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!

Cue intro music:

♫Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun ♫♫